dear Kaitlyn,

Dear Caitlyn,

The past couple of weeks have been hard. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed seeing you every single day. Running to me and yelling my name only to ask me one question: “Jason! Will you play checkers with me?” I can hear you say that phrase. You were so passionate when you said it. It was true. Raw.

You were always red. I was always black. I have to tell you the truth. When you beat me. I let you. But I let you beat me because it made you so happy. And to hear you say, “King Me!” Was absolutely fabulous. I do have a confession. You often achieved kingship by yourself. I had nothing to do with that. You got me there.

Well, now I have no one to play checkers with. And to be honest I don’t think they would satisfy me. Because I want to play checkers with you, Kaitlyn. Everyone that plays checkers is boring. But you brought life and passion to such a boring game. And I miss seeing you. Playing checkers. Playing tag. Hearing your stories about when you swam. Eating lunch with you. Eating your cheezits that were in your lunch box for who knows how long. I miss it.

I often times find myself in the middle of the day. Or waking up in the morning thinking about what you are doing. I can hear you call my name. It is such a wonderful sound. A lot of people know my name Kaitlyn. But for some reason when you say it. I feel like I matter.

Kaitlyn there are going to be a lot of people that are not nice to you. They are going to put limits on what you can accomplish. People are going to want you to be something that you were never created to be. But for here and now in this moment I want to tell you the simple truth. You are so beautiful. Your smile is perfect. You might walk kind of funny. But I think it's gangsta. You are unique and special. Please listen to these words because there are people that want to tell you differently.

The world wants to find Jesus in their preacher. In the superstars. In authors. In the powerful. But if people looked hard enough they will find that Jesus is in people like you.

Do not ever forget the still, quiet voice that calls you the beloved. You are loved, Kaitlyn. Thank you for helping me hear this voice. Because some days I really need it.

Jason

living in a world where 2+2=5

I can not begin to imagine a world where 2+2 does not equal 4. This is an absolute in my life. Hopefully in yours. If not... well. This is all I have ever known. I don’t hold nor any other human holds such the power to create such a community where 2+2=5.

Is it possible for there to be a world that exists that is totally foreign than mine? Sure it is possible. And I recognize that I do not have the will power to create such a community. But the one that I do believe holds this power is God. Creative being. Whatever you wish to call this thing that runs this world. He or she is such a strong designer that he or she is able to set absolutes in a world and they stay that way.

God has created such a system that we couldn’t even begin to recognize the implications of a world outside the one that already preexists. Meaning that aliens have eyes like us. We only can project “what we already know” on to life that could possibly exist outside our existence.

I do not claim that for one moment that I have all these absolutes figured out. Even take pi for example. The number is eternal. We know pi exists. But this number goes on forever. And we can keep looking and looking, but still never find. We recognize that we don’t have all the absolutes in the area of numbers. But with some ignorance we claim this with our spirituality.

Tonight when I was at work a guy I was working with called me a homo jokingly. I asked, “Do you think that is funny?” Then I said, “What if I was a homo?” He responds, “Well, I don’t like gays.” Then I said, “ I love gay people.” He laughs. Then I said gays like any other person are human beings. People of dignity and stature that deserve to be treated as such. In his mind gays scare him. Their way of life does not fit in his “absolute” view of how sexuality should be. So he responds with hate. Jokes.

I have to be honest. I don’t know really how God feels about homosexuals. I know how I feel. But only can begin to guess at how God feels. But I do know how God feels towards his creation. It is an absolute reality. He loves it. A sort of thing where 2+2=4. It is always the rule. There are no exceptions.

There is a story in Mark where a man encounters Jesus. Jesus requires of this man to sell all that he has. He's rich. He adores his stuff. It is what give him his identity. It defines him. The very thing he loves so much Jesus is calling him to walk away from him. So that a voice much bigger can be in the midst of this man's life. The beautiful image that Mark paints is that before this poor man says yes or no. Mark says Jesus first looked at him and loved him. Past tense. This love started a long time ago. It has no ending. It has no beginning. This is love. Sort of like 2+2=4 always. It is an absolute for God. Before we ever make any decisions about our life.

God loves.

It is an absolute.

It is who God is.

But the man instead of selling everything. Walks away from Jesus. And this saddens Jesus. God loves always. It is never lacking. Never. Whether we turn and walk away. It never lacks. It is an absolute. I think it saddens Jesus when we don’t use this absolute, eternal love to it’s best potential. God’s love is present before, during, and after any decision we choose to walk in, in this life. It is what he is. Whether I am a homosexual, heterosexual. Whatever. God loves me. It is the reality.

I have tried being in control. I have tried making my own absolutes. I have tried and tried. But I give up. I give it to the one who loves always. I don’t need anything else. The world does not need any other system except for the system that God has already created. We can’t help but live in this system.

It is our reality we can fight. Except it. Walk away. It is true in whatever way we choose to walk.

God loves us. It is true. It is beautiful. When I am lonely God loves me. When I am sinful and dirty God loves me. When I am joyed and filled with wonder God loves me. No matter what state my heart is in. The absolute, undeniable truth that can never be shaken.

God loves.

in the presence of His death

I could tell you why Jesus died. I could possibly tell you who was there. I could tell you how he died. But I don’t know if I can tell that I know what it feels like to stand before someone I believe to be the messiah and watch him die. The one that was bringing about restoration to the down and out was hanging naked on a cross. If that couldn’t be enough. He was mocked by empty phrases that carried the deepest intention of cursing the most innocent man that has ever lived (this is so understated).

Yet I know these things. You know these things. We have heard, read them more than once. And I don’t think I have ever stood in front of the dying savior. Paul makes a statement to this day that gives me chills. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death. The temptation for most of us is that we have the truest desire to know Christ’s resurrection but his death makes us extremely uncomfortable. For to watch any one die is a traumatic experience. Who would even dare to experience such?

Yet I believe that when heaven and earth collide there is strife. When God’s authority goes against man’s authority conflict arises. So when we begin to experience suffering. When we begin to truly desire what it means for God to be present in this world. When we recognize what it means to follow in the ways of Jesus. We must understand what it means to become like him death. And this is where the tension arises in me.

I try to put myself there at his death.

I am merely an on looker in the crowd that knows a little about this man yet I choose to do nothing about His situation.

Nothing.

I know why he is there on that cross. I know what the rest of the story is but I don’t know what it feels like to stand before him in such a vulnerable way. The son of God naked on a cross. Naked. It is like seeing a man die after his car has been hit. In that moment you want to be a doctor. But you are not. It is a sickening feeling. You might ask the “why” questions and then like the rest of the world go on to living your life. But I confess the images can not be erased. It is at this place that I rather not go. Because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I can not deny it. Because it is a place I need to go because I believe it carries great implications for the lives of those that follow in the ways of Jesus.

The death of Jesus is the ultimate image of God’s power on earth. This seems odd. Because we recognize that powers rests in those that have money: political figures, actors, and sometimes unfortunately religious authorities. Yet God’s power is recognized in his death. One that recognizes the reality of Christ’s death recognizes that the resurrection is sitting around the corner. God is setting things right. God will bring about justice on this earth. We are living in an eternal reality. Death is not the end. 

I try to take myself there. The place where my savior died. The place to where he revealed to the world this is what God’s authority looks like on earth. Restoration has a cost. Wholeness has cost. The beautiful picture behind this man Jesus who is nailed naked to a cross as that he will pay it. Even in the midst of people that deny him. I recognize in the midst of this beautiful story that when walking in the way of suffering one experiences the true reality in what it means to live in the resurrection of Christ.

conquer

I find it intriguing that when we begin to speak of sin and deliverance that we speak in terms of absolution. We speak in a metaphorical way of war. We get this imagery from Paul. We "fight" sin. When we "fight" sin this means that there is a battle to be won.

The interesting thing about dealing with sin in such a way is that often times the result is not absolute deliverance from that sin but instead it is just a moment of freedom from that one sin. Our experience of dealing with sin is a lot different than how we talk about sin. The way we view sin is in a way like tribal cleansing. Where one group slaughters the other group. This way usually works because the other group can never be powerful and come back and strike. Unless they are zombies. But I guess that is another blog.

The reality of the matter for most of us is that when we "fight" sin the battle is not always won. Many of those "sins" that we fight come right back. I recognize this. I am okay with this in a way. Because the key is not in the elimination of sin in our lives (which is a great goal... but come on we all know that we are not capable of such a task... this is just our experience of life). The key is in who we trust being our community and the places we find ourselves in.

As a little boy I had some things happen to me that were quite unfair to me. They had a grand effect on the entirety of my life. One person's pleasure at the exspense of myself. This event has caused me much pain. Not only has it caused me much pain but it has been the fuel behind the many things that I struggle with now. Day after day. Still. I use to think that God would rid me of this pain and problem of this sin in my life. And he hasn't. It is still there. Everyday it is on my mind. It never goes away!

It has destroyed so many friendships. So many relationships.

But this is not just my sin. This is sin in general! But I realize now. That sin is not just my battle to fight. This is not a free ticket of grace where I just live in my sin. I am not merely invested in God, but God is invested in me. Now that I look back on the sin that I have been dealing with I can see a monumental change. God is bringing about holiness in my life. Jesus prayed for his disciples and he says to God, "sanctify them in truth." Which means sanctification is what God does in us. It is what God does. It is our obedience to what God is doing. It is God's creative being taking what was meant for evil (like what happend to me when I was a little boy) and turning it in to something that is beautiful. This has been impressed upon me not just in my life but in the life of others.

My friend recently checked herself into a ranch for people with eating disorders. The effects of this world. The effects of sin had ravaged her body. But she has made such an impression on me. Because she was willing to do something about the thing that was plaguing at her. It isn't that checking yourself in to a ranch heals this problem. But it is the beginning to allowing God to begin to bring about restoration. It is a long road. No doubt. Her courage inspires me to deal with the sin that ravaged my soul in so many ways.

So I say all this because I know for a fact that so many people beat themselves up because they can't get over some sin. I have hope for my friends. I have hope for drug addicts. I have hope for those that are down and out. Because I believe in a God that does not leave people behind but stands besides them. I hope my story and the story of others will give me hope so that I might believe in one's potential to overcome sin. Even more so to believe in a God that can bring about redemption in the lives of the broken.

Jim Dandy

Yesterday was the release of Shrek. Kids eye’s were glued on an Ogre that only exists within the human imagination. Kids laugh at the silliness of the movie while adults get all the sexual innuendoes. So this is not about Shrek, but this is about something that happened on the way to Shrek. Nothing really big, but just caused an epiphany of sorts inside this mind of mine.

I was with my mom and three year old nephew, Brycen. We had gotten out of the car and my mom decided that it would be a good idea to walk through Belk to get to the movie theatre. It processed through my mind that my mom wanted to walk through Belk for alternative reasons. For shopping reasons.

So Brycen and I decided that it would be faster to walk around then walk through. Our hypothesis was right. Our conclusion was that walking around Belk rather than through is faster. My nephew concluded all this by one statement, “We beat her!” Now here is where my epiphany occurred. No one turned their head when he said this. Because this imperative statement could mean much more than our simple little race. It could be a confession between two or more criminals, “We beat her.” Or two or more people talking to another person while looking at a person they just beat up saying, “We beat her.” Out of these three scenarios why did people pick the first? My hunch is context. Context includes location. They heard my nephew’s statement. And immediately recognized what was going on.

The same as if I say, “I like him.” For example some one says, “Who is John?” I say, “John is a friend of mine.” They ask, “Is he a good guy?” Then I say, “I like him.” Now pretty crappy scenario I know. But this is not a homosexual confessional statement from me. But it is just me saying that I think John is a good guy. You get this sense from context. But if I say, “I like this girl.” This means that I potentially have romantic feelings for some girl. I would not use this kind of statement to say that I think a certain girl is nice. Because context says that I mean more than just like as a friend. Now to take any of these scenarios out of context you would get a totally different picture.

We do this all the time. Often times we don’t realize it. But we do it to so many people with out even thinking twice. But one thing is true we all hate being taken out of context, but we don’t mind one bit taking someone else’s words out OF context. You have now entered into this complex mind of mine. Because my point is simple. Within these simple words that we say there are complex ideas hidden behind these words. Yet I find myself sometimes limiting people to a few couple of words. I wouldn’t say for one second that I can be defined by a couple of words. “Who is Jason?” and they say, “Well, he is a funny guy!” This would be a slap in the face. Not because I don’t think I am a funny guy, but that I recognize that it is not the only thing that defines me.

We do this all the time. We see a homeless person and we define them in a few words. This defines how we approach them. But if we are people that treat everyone as a human. Everyone with respect and dignity no matter what the circumstances. We will begin to understand the context in which they live. It is not denying that a homeless person is homeless but it is recognizing there is more to their homelessness.

Context keeps one in check. It asks the simple question, “Is there more?” Is one simply homeless to be homeless? Or is there more that I am not seeing? Context calls us deeper. This not only has implications for the people we come into contact with, but it also calls us deeper into scripture. Many times we ignore context of a biblical writer just to capture one single verse, and often times missing the true meaning of what the biblical writer was trying to get to. Phillipians 4:13 most Christian’s know it, but I would begin to argue that we have no idea what Paul was getting at when he wrote this verse. We ignore context simply because it is easier. Finding context with any and everything takes time and energy. We should all invest ourselves in some way, shape, or form. I caught myself just last night playing ultimate frisbee with some friends. There was a few people there that I did not know. And immediately I started to stereotype them. Then I said to myself, “Context! Context! Context!”