dear brycen,

dear brycen,

If I had the opportunity to stop time and to bask in the presence of a single moment it would be with you. You are my four year old nephew and a wonderful picture of grace. I did nothing to deserve such a gift but every moment I spend with you is just that. Times moves to fast. And that saddens me some.

I love spending the day with you. Always. And the other day was such a splendid day. You and I seeking adventure in this big world. First stop goofy golf or what some might call in the rest of the world “putt putt.” You beat me fair and square. And when you got that hole in one to see your face light up like the sun coming out of the clouds on a cold day. It was absolutely wonderful. I can be sometimes melancholy but you bring joy out of what can be sometimes a weighted soul.

Then after that we ventured to the pier. This has become a regular place for us to go. I only go to the pier with you. Every time we go I tell you not to chase after the birds. But you still do. I am pretty sure I just tell you “no” because I envy the freedom to chase after the birds. But because you are a kid you are allotted that freedom. I on the other hand would be yelled at.

When we got to the pier we both got out of the car and I grabbed your hand as we proceeded to walk to the pier. At one point you stopped. You looked at me. And said three words that I never hear often enough but have a desire to hear more often even more to feel. You said, “I love you.” This was not something you haven't said to me before. This moment was different. Words that I find so difficult to say. You just said them. No wall to keep them away. You felt it. You meant it.

This world has not been nice to me. My childhood was not one I look back with great joy. But instead with great hesitancy. I walked through most of life looking for someone to prove myself to. Looking for someone to say to me, “You are valued, This world needs You, You make a Difference.” Whatever the phrase may be I have looked in the wrong places. Tried to prove myself to people that at the end of the day would forget my name and my existence. This leads me to a place of despair. This place where I feel like nothing.

Keeping my head up is not easy. I am good at faking it. To good.

But with you Brycen things are different. The world is still brand new to you. And words that are so challenging for me to find and for me to say you say them with a freedom and innocence that I could only hope to have.

Brycen if you ever get to a place in life where the world seems heavy. A place to where you think that your existence is minuscule. Please know that your melancholy Uncle. Who knows the word depression far much better than he sometimes knows the word “love”. Know this: you made him happy. You gave him great joy when it was hard to grab hold of.

You changed things for him.

I love you,
uncle j j